What's YOUR story??

Things are about to get RRRREAL personal for me, and that's okay. Take me back a year ago, and I would NEVER share some of the things I am about to share. It's time to share MY STORY, and some things that are near to my heart.

I want to talk about something that in today's world, is hush hush, and you don't want to EVER admit to anyone. Something that could mark you as "crazy" or even "abnormal"........

My name is Jessica, and I have battled Anxiety and Depression for most of my life.

I want to share my story.

For those that have not had to deal with this illness, it's hard to explain. For me, it runs in my family, and for a long long time, I thought that was how life just was. I thought that this was my life. I didn't know any different. I always had irrational fears, irrational sadness.... but I knew my life was GOOD. I have battled with not eating, to eating way too much, trying to find a solution to make me feel better.

I played basketball and softball all growing up, and was actually really good. I loved the practices, and sweating my butt off. I loved how I felt after, and I realized after a while, that exercising made that constant worry go away. I started to believe that I have found the secret that worked for me. In high school, I always had a weightlifting class in my schedule, because that was the part of my day that I could forget everything in my life I worried about, and just feel better. I started working out with the wrestling team one year, and those were the toughest workouts I ever have done.....and I loved it.

After high school, my mom introduced me to Turbo Jam, a workout program made my Chalene Johnson, and Beachbody.... I started doing those DVDs... morning and night... every single day. I was in the best shape of my life, and why??? Not to get ripped, not to be skinny, but because I NEEDED IT. It was the one thing that helped me battle my illness. I felt better when I did it, and my anxiety attacks happened less and less, and I was truly HAPPY. I was eating how I should, and I had found my happiness.

FAST FORWARD A FEW YEARS.......

I found myself in some really dysfunctional relationships.. the kind that aren't good for you, and not where you were meant to be. I started slipping back into my old ways...my old sadness. Things happened that made my irrational fears, come to life, and really did happen. I gained 48 pounds in about a 10 month period. I was able to make my way home to the United States, and was able to file for divorce. That was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. In the midst of my hardest time in life.... I never once lacked the courage to do what needed to be done for my ultimate happiness in life.

Two weeks into living back at home, I lost close to 10 pounds. It was because I was happy, and had the support to start working out again.. because for my mental health, I NEEDED it. I realized again how I felt all those years ago... I was less depressed, less anxious, and felt like I had a grip on my crazy crazy life. I started a job at Dillards, where I met some of my very best friends. We all signed up at Gold's gym, and we worked out together every single morning.

This is the first picture I took of myself after beginning to workout consistently... my caption says something like, "another 10 lbs down in 30 days"

These two are the angels in disguise that have been with me every step of the hardest point in my life.. that kept me motivated, and were there for me when I needed someone the most.

I remember this morning like it was yesterday.... I woke up thinking that I didn't have the strength to do this.. that I didn't have it in me to keep going.... right after this picture I went to the gym with these two..^^ and guess what... I did it. 

I started making good decisions..... and it SHOWED!! 

I have become utterly and completely addicted to how good this life makes me feel!!!!!

On the outside, it may look like I am a girl OBSESSED with wanting to be in shape, get ripped.. you name it... but deep down, I do this because I need this. I do it because this my anti depressant medication, this is my anxiety killer, this is what makes me the happy person I have LEARNED HOW to become. This is WHY I live this lifestyle. I still have my days where I feel like life is just unbearable.. but guess what... they are FAR LESS then what they used to be. Now instead of feeling that way two or three times a day, every single day, it hits me maybe once a month now... which is incredible from where I have come. 

This is my WHY, and what makes me, me, and WHY I do the things I do. 

If there are any of you out there that struggle with anxiety and depression, just know you have a friend. I know what you are going through, I have been there, and still am. This is something I work at every single day, and it IS possible to get in control, and over come. If anyone ever needs advice, a shoulder to lean on, or just a friend, you can find me on FB at facebook.com/jessbeck2014, or on Instagram @jessica_fit_life.

XOX