Our ever changing stories

We all have a story. Life changes, and our story evolves. It never stays the same, and life is all about rolling with the punches. I can't explain what happened to me this morning.... But I'm so glad it did. 

I got up to go to the bathroom (first of all, I am seriously impressed by how much my bladder can hold now that there aren't 2 babies standing on it haha) and I looked down at my phone, and saw the cutest hoodie on an ad on Facebook..... For those that know me, know I have a hoodie addiction. Anyways, I saw this hoodie, and right away remembered the time that I could ROCK a hoodie like that and look DAYUMMM good... I got up, and decided enough is enough. I'm tired of feeling this way, so I need to change that. No one can change it for me. So I guess it's time to share my story. Like I said in the beginning, our stories change just like we and our life evolves.. So here we go. I've shared my story before, about my divorce, toxic relationships, overeating to feel better, gaining weight, then after my divorce, losing it all and then some, and kicking ass at life......

.....but I'm not here to relive the past, because my story has evolved, and is now my new normal. 

When i found out we were expecting twins, I thought to myself, "I'm gonna be the healthiest pregnant lady, and I'm gonna workout, and be freaking fit, and not lose my good habits I've worked so hard at." HAHAHAH! Yeah right. I was so sick, almost the ENTIRE pregnancy, and when I was able to eat, i didn't care because if i wanted it, and I was able to keep it down, i ate it. There were a few months of no throwing up, and i ate everything in sight. I pretty much put myself of modified bed rest, and honestly,  I know that's the reason we made it all the way to 34 weeks. 

I had a rough week before the babies actually came due to preterm labor, and a SCARY SCARY reaction to the medicine they give you to stop contractions. I honestly believe the only way I am here today, is by the power of prayer, and priesthood blessings. Then, the next week the babies came! And let me just say..... C-sections..... Learning how to walk again pretty much is the hardest and most painful thing I've probably ever done in my whole life. The babies were in the NICU for 12 days while they learned how to eat on their own, and pack on a few lbs! 

I have struggled with postpartum depression since that first month, and honestly it has kicked my butt in more ways than one. I have had to learn how to think differently, and realize that things are okay! I am on medication, which in the past, I've been on before. I was able to get off my medication in the past because I was working out, eating healthy, and taking care of MYSELF. I'd like to be able to do that again.

Us moms are amazing. Never before have I put myself on the back burner to the extent of not showering, not eating, and not taking care of myself because of the needs of someone else. But guess what... It's time for me to be selfish. Because what happens when i burn out? When I get too depressed? My family suffers. It's my time now. 

The babies are 6 months old, and i finally am just now feeling like I barely know what I am doing. The babies are sleeping through the night, and so am I, so the time is NOW. 

I'm ready to feel better. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. This may sound vain to some of you, but I'm gonna be real.... I want to be THAT MOM that people talk to and think... "There's no way that two babies came out of you!" I know I can do it, i am tough, smart, motivated and ready to kick buttttttt. If I'm gonna be able to keep up with two toddlers soon.... I gotta be at the top of my game ;) 

Will it be easy? Heck no. Will it be worth it? 100% YESSSSSS. 

Jessica, where have you been???

Ugh. This is post I have debated about making for quite some time now. It's not something I really want to talk about, enjoy talking about, or even want to get out into the open, but I heard something lately that to really heal, and to really get better, there can't be any more secrets. Once you are HONEST with yourself, you are able to move on.

This post may seem dark, sad, depressing.... but that has been my life for the past 5 and a half months. SO if you are looking for my happy, up-beat, positive posts........ you should go back to another entry, because that just isn't happening today.. It's time to be real, and open. Because that's who I am. So, read on if you care to :)

Postpartum depression is real. I never thought I would be "one of those moms"...I mean, why would you feel so sad? How could you? You have so much love and happiness in your life, and so much to live for... why would you ever be so down? It's hard to explain, unless you've been there.

There have been really dark days. Day's I never want to re-live. Crazy thoughts that I never want to think again. Prayers that I hope I never have to repeat again. It's all just so embarrassing, mostly because alot of people just don't understand. People judge, people expect you to shake it off. It's hard, and the one thing it takes is TIME. I am not a patient person... but the fact that I am writing this post, is because I am SICK of holding it in. I am ready to get better, and to LET myself get better, I need to get this OUTTT.

The past few months, I have completely gone into survival mode. I wouldn't necessarily say I've "let myself go" but I came pretty dang close. There were a few months [i hate admitting this] that I probably showered once every other week at some points. I didn't care, I didn't want to care. All I could do is feed, change and take care of my sweet babies. I didn't want to step foot into the bathroom, and there were days I debated hanging sheets over the mirrors because I hated seeing this person I didn't recognize. I didn't know how to be a mom, and it scared me. I had a new body [that I hated], and was too exhausted and sad to do anything  more that what I absolutely had to. It has taken me 5 months to come out of hiding, and face my life, head on, and for the first time in almost 6 months, I AM OKAY. I am okay with my life, infact, I am BETTER than okay with my life. I am still on my meds[im okay with it], I shower[close to everyday haha], I even put makeup on, and I am slowly starting to feel like myself again..... and actually...... I am EMBRACING my life as a new mother of twins. I am FINALLY able to be happy, and finally able to enjoy every [hard and not so hard] moment with these two. I am finally becoming the mother I always thought I could be. That I will be. Through it all, I have had the most loving, patient, and supportive husband I could have ever asked for. I am thankful he has loved me through all this... regardless of how crazy my thoughts were.

SO.... I want and need to be completely honest with myself if I am ever going to HEAL. I am finally ready to do so. I don't want to live in these dark moments.... i've done that long enough. We all have sad days, tough weeks.... but we don't need to LIVE THERE. We accept that things SUCK, cry for a minute, BUT THEN WE MOVE ON. I don't want any more secrets in my life. Yeah.... life has been HARD FOR ME the past few months..... but guess what.... The Lord gives his TOUGHEST battles to his STRONGEST soldiers. I am not going to let this define me... I wont. Let it out, and leave it. The past is in the past.... no point in looking back.

It's time to be the BEST I can be, and make every single day the BEST I can make it.... I won't ever get it back.

This post may seem to you like I am VENTING. But what this post really is, is me saying, "Hey world... my life has been really hard for me. For too long I've been sad, and I am ready to let you all know that I don't want to be sad anymore. BUT for me to be able to come to terms, and be happy again, I need to be honest about where I've been and what I've been dealing with. Thanks for listening! I need this, FOR ME!"

So there you have it. Postpartum depression is REAL and its a real B****! [jus sayinn]

I am ready to take control of my life again.

Thank you for taking the time to read, and thank you for those that continually care to check up on me, text me, and have such wonderful things to say. My life has been full of "part time" people lately, and that is what has been the hardest thing to deal with. SO to those of you that have been there full time, regardless of how busy your life is......THANK YOU. It means more to me than you will probably EVER know.

SO here is to a happier, more fulfilling life from here on out..... no hiding. No secrets. Just real Jessica.

XOX

Why you need essential fatty acids......

We hear stuff all the time about fish oil, CLA, krill oil fatty acids, omega this, omega that.... etc etc etc.......

SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL????

What ARE essential fatty acids anyways???

There are two essential fatty acids that your body cannot make. And therefore that you must get from your diet or supplements. These are Alpha Linoleic Acid, (omega 3) and Linoleic Acid (omega 6).

WHAT DO EFA'S DO???

.....what a loaded question. Omega 6 fatty acids have gotten a bad rap lately, but they are ABSOLUTELY essential to our health. The problem is, with the way our American diets seem to go, loaded in oils, alot of us are getting way too many Omega 6's and not enough Omega 3's. Both Omega 6, and Omega 3 play CRUCIAL roles throughout our body including: growth and development, brain functioning, skin health, hair growth, metabolism, reproductive system health and cell membrane integrity.

WHY YOU NEED ESSENTIAL FATTY ACIDS:

1. Omega 3's improve joint health. Studies suggest that Omega 3 decrease the breakdown of cartilage tissue, and Omega 3's may slow and reduce inflammation associated with osteoarthritis. 
2. Omega 3's may reduce pain and onset muscle soreness.
3. Omega 3's improve symptoms of Rheumatoid Arthritis including stiffness, tender or swollen joints, and joint pain.
4. Omega 3's may lower your heart rate during exercise. 
5. EPA and DHA are good for your heart. Your heart is our MOST IMPORTANT MUSCLE. This powerful duo is associated with a dose dependent decrease in triglycerides (fat in your blood), a slight decrease in blood pressure, and a decrease in heart attacks in those with history of heart attacks.

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE 

If you didn't already know this about me... I have one MESSED UP knee. I have been taking a Smart Blend of Advanced CLA, GLA, and Omega fatty acid complex..... and I kept thinking, "man, with all my kick boxing, jumping, squatting, happening, my knee sure has been doing really great....." NOW I KNOW WHY. I am living proof that these work. Our bodies are absolutely incredible, and the fact that we have been given knowledge of the things we need to eat, and supplement with to HELP our bodies perform at their best...... AMAZING. I am amazed everyday at how our bodies work. 

wanna know where I get mine..... direct link H E R E!

XOX

We all have a story.........

I'm putting it all out there.

You may look at me, look at my posts and think... hah, this girl. Judge me, and think i'm Just another girl obsessed with her workouts, her supplements, her fitness lifestyle, and keep scrolling on, but what you don't see is why I am this way, and what I've fought through to get here. Some of you may know my story, some of you may not. Today I am feeling like opening up, revisiting MY STORY, and letting you see a glimpse into WHO I am.

This is how my story and my relationship with health and fitness became my passion in life.

I always knew who I was. I always knew what I wanted out of life. I always knew what I deserved. Somewhere along the way, I got a little lost. We all do some times right? What we don't all struggle and battle with on a daily basis is some form of depression and anxiety. There are two things I have learned for certain: 1. More people battle with some form of mental illness (depression, anxiety, bi-polar, manic/depressive etc..) more than we even realize. 2. A sure fire way to set your life a blaze is to surround yourself with toxic people, and poor decisions. The combination of the two in my life, really truly 100% has made me the person I am today. I am a firm believer that it's not the situation that makes you who you are, but the way you handle such heart wrenching situations in life.

All of this is not something I ENJOY sharing with others, but it's a HUGE reason for the way I am, and the person that I am.

After high school, I found myself hanging with some rough crowds. Doing rough crowd types of things. In the struggle to find myself, I ended up losing myself. I have always battled depression and anxiety. When I ended up finding myself in some pretty dysfunctional relationships, my life continued to spiral downward, out of control almost. So did my depression and anxiety, and the way I felt about myself. Fast forward a few years, I was on my flight back to the United States from Canada, and going through my 2nd divorce. (Whooop there it is.) I had hit an all time low, rock bottom. But I knew it was time to pick up the pieces and FIGHT for a life I wanted, and DESERVED. I knew the choices I was making wouldn't bring me any happiness, and it was time to FIGHT FOR ME.  So that's exactly what I did. I was tired of running. I was tired of eating to avoid the real problem. I was tired of the sadness I felt everyday, because I KNEW I was responsible for my own happiness. I had ups and downs, good days, and sucky days. But the ONE THING that made me feel better, was being in the gym. Every. Single. Morning. at 6 am. By this time, I was finally starting to not be so sad, not be so anxious, and I was HAPPY AGAIN. Not only was this helping my mental and emotional state... I was losing weight. Like alot of weight. I managed to drop 43 pounds in about 6 months. 43 pounds of sadness, anger, and dead weight that I didn't need anymore.

I remember this picture all too well... I tried to hide the sadness, but you can't hide from your own eyes... after all, the eyes are the windows to the soul.

So, I started busting my butt, surrounding myself WITH ONLY people that truly loved and cared for me...
I was waking up at 5 am to make it to the gym PUMPED AND READY to go.. most mornings SUCKED but I RARELY missed a day.

I told myself that I didn't need a guy to make me happy... and that I was going to "do me" for a LONNGGGGGGGG time..... I don't need any one to worry about, besides myself!!! Why go on dates when you can lift weights???

Then I met Cade.

He is perfect for me.

I continued to work hard, even after we got married, and got in the best shape OF MY LIFE. I had serious abs, I was lifting massive amounts of weight, and Cade supported me ALWAYS.

Now...... we had twins. 4 months ago. My body is slightly alot different than what it used to be just a year ago. I haven't been able to workout much, and have had to get back onto some medication for my depression/anxiety. My goal is to be able to get off my medication, and to be able to manage on my own through diet and exercise. I know it can be done, because i've done it. In the worst times of my life, I DID IT. I can do it again.

When I think about what makes me feel empowered and strong, and capable of this fight of life.. I LOVE to kickbox. I used to do it all the time, and it was the ONE HOUR of the day I felt completely in control of the things in life that I knew I couldn't control. (if that makes any sense....) I love how it makes me feel. So guess what.. after all this time..... I ordered it. 

SO why does this picture mean so much to me????

BECAUSE I am ready to FIGHT for myself again. I won't run away, I will face my life head on, and be confident in knowing I CAN DO THIS! 

I want all of you reading this....... to know.... that you CAN overcome any obstacle in life. All it takes is someone to believe in you, and for you to believe in YOURSELF. I've shared my story..... I want to hear YOURS. Get a hold of me if this helped you in any way shape or form, and lets chat. <3

XOX

BIRTHDAY CAKE PROTEIN BITES

Did I ever tell you how much I love birthday cake??

It's sort of ridiculous.

Tonight I was pacing my kitchen... hungry for a treat.

Sometimes you just can't ignore it ya know????

Sooooo... I found this from the cellucor athlete, Jen Jewel.

She MAYYYYYYY love fun fetti cake more than me... which I wasn't sure was even possible. hehe. I did't have rainbow sprinkles on hand.. so they don't look as pretty as hers did. Guess I need to add sprinkles to the grocery list. I also didn't have dark chocolate, or sliced almonds.. which would have made them even better. But I made do with what I did have.. and they are BOMBDOTCOM anyways :)

Whatcha need:

1 banana, mashed
1 cup oats
1/2 cup nut butter (PB or Almond butter)
2 scoops Cellucor Cor-fetti cake batter protein OR vanilla protein (ANY of the cellucor flavors are to die for.. cor-fetti is so popular it comes and goes.. I would do this recipe with MULTIPLE flavors though.. get them here)
1/2 cup cut almonds
1/2 crushed dark chocolate
almond milk to mix

mix it all up! you'll need to add the milk just enough to mix it all together.. spoon onto a plate and put in the fridge!!! ***YOU CAN ALSO SPOON SOME ONTO A PLATE AND MICROWAVE FOR 30-40 SECONDS AND WALAH....COOKIE TIME!***

XOX

What I wish people knew about BCCA's... && MY REVIEW on MAN ISO AMINO

FIRST THINGS FIRST.....

I just got these today... I order ALL my supplements (MINUS Shakeology) from My F A V O R I T E place.. bodybuilding.com. I saw this posted from my friend, and bodybuilding.com athlete Kathleen Tesori, and I figured I would give it a try because 1. I love aminos, and need them DAILY, and 2. they had some serious cool flavors, none like I've ever seen! (that would be awesome for my sweet tooth!) I am waiting for the "sour batch" flavor to come back in stock... but until then I decided to try out the tigers blood.. because who doesn't love the classic tigers blood snowcone?! 

So here are my first thoughts:

• FREAKING POTENT. It says to mix with 8 oz of water.... I ended up having to mix it in 20 oz.... but thats more water for my intake so im okay with it!
• MAN doesn't stand for man.. but for METABOLIC AUGMENTING NUTRITION so that makes me feel less.. well manly. hahahah
• FLAVOR is on poiiiint. Tastes just like a snow cone!!! Guess I get to live it up this summer afterall! heheh
• IT'S CLEAR! which means NO ARTIFICIAL COLORS AND DYES!
• NO FACE AND LIP TINGLING like some of the others do to me. Raise the roof.
• OVERALL... I want all the other flavors... I've got my eye on "sour batch" (sour patch) and "dorks" (nerds)

so why are BCAA's so important??

Branch Chain Amino Acids are the "building blocks" of the body. They make up 35% of your muscle mass, and MUST be present for molecular growth and development to take place. 8 are essential (cannot be manufactured by the body) The rest are non-essential (can be manufactured by the body with PROPER nutrition). Besides building cells and repairing tissue, they form antibodies, they are part of the enzyme and hormonal system; they build RNA and DNA and they carry oxygen through the body. More than 20 amino acids are needed to build muscle, red blood cells, and hundreds of other molecules that sustain life!! Your body can produce ALL BUT 8-10 which must be obtained through your diet or supplementation. A complete amino acid profile is needed for your body to reach your maximum fitness potential. 

So this is WHY I drink Aminos!!!!!!! I have a few FAVORITE brands and flavors... I am suuuuuper picky when it comes to my supplements, and I only want THE BEST going into my body. I will be adding more reviews SHORTLY. I've got one counter strictly dedicated to my supplements... so I guess I better start review-ing!!!

Until next time.... 

XOX 

**Breathe in. Breathe out.** Alright.. back to business.

I'm not gonna lie.... we have had one HELLUVA day. :/ but a commitment is a commitment, and i'm gonna show up. So after being barfed on, screaming babies, babies that won't eat, being pooped on... babies are back to sleep and here is that blog post I promised you!

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS 21 DAY FIX THING ANYWAYS?!

Oh you know.. just the most amazing program on this earth.... wanna know what the secret is?? Is it the workouts? although those are great, that's not it... hmm what is it then?? The answer is simple... THOSE SWEET PORTION CONTAINERS AND MEAL PLAN that comes with those awesome 30 min workouts!! (if you wanna see my PERSONAL 21 day results... head over to the transformation tab!) I have never had more success then I have had with this program. After all, 80% results is your nutrition... abs are made in the kitchen baybay! Secret number two.... SHAKEOLOGY. (I will do a separate post all on that because there is so much goodness to tell about shakeology!) There really is NOTHING that compares to how good it makes you FEEL. (you can trust me when i say that.. for those of you that know me, know I have tried nearly every shake known to mankind.)

So wait..... what's 21 day fix extreme then???
I'd like to consider this the graduate program from the original 21 day fix. Fact about me: I am HUGE into weight lifting, and was even working at getting my certification to be a personal trainer.. So you could say I know my way around the gym pretty well, and have a creative mind when it comes to workout routines... and by the second week of the original, i was getting bored, and that's ONLY because it was just too easy for me. I needed a challenge. SO I bought the program BODY BEAST and fell in love... that was what I was used to doing.... fast forward........ i just had twins..... and I am needing a challenge, and a fast paced workout, not just to PACK ON THE MUSCLE but to get shredded. I knew 21 day fix extreme was made for me!!!!! and its BECAUSE of the nutrition. I know how to build, I know how to bulk... but what I need this time is to get lean and lose this mom belly..... eeeeek! and I knew 100%, that this meal plan and type of workout would benefit me BEST.

Okay okay.... how was day 1?
uhhhmazzzing. seriously. I did the upper body dvd... (MY FAVORITE body parts to work..) and I am feeeeeeling it today! They do 3 different rounds of exercises that are repeated.... but here's the difference.... IN A DROP SET SEQUENCE. Meaning: you start off with heavy weights, and switch to lighter weights.... soooooooo good! I am feeling most of it in my chest and lats today..... which is my favorite.. no more bra back fat for this gurrrrrl!!

ALL IN ALL... I am PUMPED for this program.. because I know it works!!!! I can't wait to see what happens after serious commitment to this program......

SO WHEN ARE YOU STARTING THIS OFFICIALLY???
FIRST WEEK IN AUGUST!!! I believe in starting fresh EVERYDAY... but i love starting the month out right! Besides.. this is a NO CHEAT, NO TREAT kind of program, and with my birthday being this weekend... I already know I am going to cheat.... sooooooooooooooo if I want to put my all into this... then I need to do so from the beginning!!!!!!

I am hosting a challenge group to help rally others into feeling supported and motivated as well.... first week in August!!!!! Wait... what's a challenge group????

WATCH ME!!!

21 days is all you need to give me!!!