Our ever changing stories

We all have a story. Life changes, and our story evolves. It never stays the same, and life is all about rolling with the punches. I can't explain what happened to me this morning.... But I'm so glad it did. 

I got up to go to the bathroom (first of all, I am seriously impressed by how much my bladder can hold now that there aren't 2 babies standing on it haha) and I looked down at my phone, and saw the cutest hoodie on an ad on Facebook..... For those that know me, know I have a hoodie addiction. Anyways, I saw this hoodie, and right away remembered the time that I could ROCK a hoodie like that and look DAYUMMM good... I got up, and decided enough is enough. I'm tired of feeling this way, so I need to change that. No one can change it for me. So I guess it's time to share my story. Like I said in the beginning, our stories change just like we and our life evolves.. So here we go. I've shared my story before, about my divorce, toxic relationships, overeating to feel better, gaining weight, then after my divorce, losing it all and then some, and kicking ass at life......

.....but I'm not here to relive the past, because my story has evolved, and is now my new normal. 

When i found out we were expecting twins, I thought to myself, "I'm gonna be the healthiest pregnant lady, and I'm gonna workout, and be freaking fit, and not lose my good habits I've worked so hard at." HAHAHAH! Yeah right. I was so sick, almost the ENTIRE pregnancy, and when I was able to eat, i didn't care because if i wanted it, and I was able to keep it down, i ate it. There were a few months of no throwing up, and i ate everything in sight. I pretty much put myself of modified bed rest, and honestly,  I know that's the reason we made it all the way to 34 weeks. 

I had a rough week before the babies actually came due to preterm labor, and a SCARY SCARY reaction to the medicine they give you to stop contractions. I honestly believe the only way I am here today, is by the power of prayer, and priesthood blessings. Then, the next week the babies came! And let me just say..... C-sections..... Learning how to walk again pretty much is the hardest and most painful thing I've probably ever done in my whole life. The babies were in the NICU for 12 days while they learned how to eat on their own, and pack on a few lbs! 

I have struggled with postpartum depression since that first month, and honestly it has kicked my butt in more ways than one. I have had to learn how to think differently, and realize that things are okay! I am on medication, which in the past, I've been on before. I was able to get off my medication in the past because I was working out, eating healthy, and taking care of MYSELF. I'd like to be able to do that again.

Us moms are amazing. Never before have I put myself on the back burner to the extent of not showering, not eating, and not taking care of myself because of the needs of someone else. But guess what... It's time for me to be selfish. Because what happens when i burn out? When I get too depressed? My family suffers. It's my time now. 

The babies are 6 months old, and i finally am just now feeling like I barely know what I am doing. The babies are sleeping through the night, and so am I, so the time is NOW. 

I'm ready to feel better. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. This may sound vain to some of you, but I'm gonna be real.... I want to be THAT MOM that people talk to and think... "There's no way that two babies came out of you!" I know I can do it, i am tough, smart, motivated and ready to kick buttttttt. If I'm gonna be able to keep up with two toddlers soon.... I gotta be at the top of my game ;) 

Will it be easy? Heck no. Will it be worth it? 100% YESSSSSS. 

Jessica, where have you been???

Ugh. This is post I have debated about making for quite some time now. It's not something I really want to talk about, enjoy talking about, or even want to get out into the open, but I heard something lately that to really heal, and to really get better, there can't be any more secrets. Once you are HONEST with yourself, you are able to move on.

This post may seem dark, sad, depressing.... but that has been my life for the past 5 and a half months. SO if you are looking for my happy, up-beat, positive posts........ you should go back to another entry, because that just isn't happening today.. It's time to be real, and open. Because that's who I am. So, read on if you care to :)

Postpartum depression is real. I never thought I would be "one of those moms"...I mean, why would you feel so sad? How could you? You have so much love and happiness in your life, and so much to live for... why would you ever be so down? It's hard to explain, unless you've been there.

There have been really dark days. Day's I never want to re-live. Crazy thoughts that I never want to think again. Prayers that I hope I never have to repeat again. It's all just so embarrassing, mostly because alot of people just don't understand. People judge, people expect you to shake it off. It's hard, and the one thing it takes is TIME. I am not a patient person... but the fact that I am writing this post, is because I am SICK of holding it in. I am ready to get better, and to LET myself get better, I need to get this OUTTT.

The past few months, I have completely gone into survival mode. I wouldn't necessarily say I've "let myself go" but I came pretty dang close. There were a few months [i hate admitting this] that I probably showered once every other week at some points. I didn't care, I didn't want to care. All I could do is feed, change and take care of my sweet babies. I didn't want to step foot into the bathroom, and there were days I debated hanging sheets over the mirrors because I hated seeing this person I didn't recognize. I didn't know how to be a mom, and it scared me. I had a new body [that I hated], and was too exhausted and sad to do anything  more that what I absolutely had to. It has taken me 5 months to come out of hiding, and face my life, head on, and for the first time in almost 6 months, I AM OKAY. I am okay with my life, infact, I am BETTER than okay with my life. I am still on my meds[im okay with it], I shower[close to everyday haha], I even put makeup on, and I am slowly starting to feel like myself again..... and actually...... I am EMBRACING my life as a new mother of twins. I am FINALLY able to be happy, and finally able to enjoy every [hard and not so hard] moment with these two. I am finally becoming the mother I always thought I could be. That I will be. Through it all, I have had the most loving, patient, and supportive husband I could have ever asked for. I am thankful he has loved me through all this... regardless of how crazy my thoughts were.

SO.... I want and need to be completely honest with myself if I am ever going to HEAL. I am finally ready to do so. I don't want to live in these dark moments.... i've done that long enough. We all have sad days, tough weeks.... but we don't need to LIVE THERE. We accept that things SUCK, cry for a minute, BUT THEN WE MOVE ON. I don't want any more secrets in my life. Yeah.... life has been HARD FOR ME the past few months..... but guess what.... The Lord gives his TOUGHEST battles to his STRONGEST soldiers. I am not going to let this define me... I wont. Let it out, and leave it. The past is in the past.... no point in looking back.

It's time to be the BEST I can be, and make every single day the BEST I can make it.... I won't ever get it back.

This post may seem to you like I am VENTING. But what this post really is, is me saying, "Hey world... my life has been really hard for me. For too long I've been sad, and I am ready to let you all know that I don't want to be sad anymore. BUT for me to be able to come to terms, and be happy again, I need to be honest about where I've been and what I've been dealing with. Thanks for listening! I need this, FOR ME!"

So there you have it. Postpartum depression is REAL and its a real B****! [jus sayinn]

I am ready to take control of my life again.

Thank you for taking the time to read, and thank you for those that continually care to check up on me, text me, and have such wonderful things to say. My life has been full of "part time" people lately, and that is what has been the hardest thing to deal with. SO to those of you that have been there full time, regardless of how busy your life is......THANK YOU. It means more to me than you will probably EVER know.

SO here is to a happier, more fulfilling life from here on out..... no hiding. No secrets. Just real Jessica.

XOX